The Dallas Cowboys were dealt a tough blow today when star wide receiver and self-aggrandizing butt ranger Terrell Owens disappeared up his own ass during an ESPN interview.
The somewhat startling event took place during Part 36 of Michael Irvin’s embarrassing 75-hour long interview with the freakishly white-toothed Owens. The Cowboys, scrambling to find him, have officially listed Owens as “questionable” for Week 14.
Jürgen Klinsmann officially declined the U.S. soccer head coaching job after American soccer officials became alarmed over his insistence to teach some of his more painful and highly unorthodox soccer techniques - including the notorious "flying balls trap" (seen here). During the broken negotiations, the wily German was quoted as saying "I just don't see what the big deal is," and decided it was best if he walk away from the offer.
UPDATE: Hernia sources have also learned that Klinsmann's insistence that all national team shorts be no longer than 4" in length became another breaking point in negotiations.
Boston, MA - Naval veteran Nibsy 'Iron Head' O'Malley of Brockton, Massachusetts sent a message to Super Agent Scott Boras today via US Mail.
A simple message of, “Hand over the Jap,” was scribbled on the back of a cocktail napkin and sent to Boras’ New York City office. The recently retired civil servant got the idea while playing Keno and honoring fallen brothers on the anniversary of the bombing of Pearl Harbor at his favorite watering hole, The Blarney Stone.
“I mean we signed this wicked pussy J.D. Drew to a biggah cawntract than they got to complete the Big Dig. Stop screwing around and hand over the Jap,” said O’Malley as he polished off his sixth Jameson’s and water of the young afternoon.
Confused Knicks execs huddled up Wednesday, following another Knicks home loss which was marred by loud "HI-RE LLA-MAS!!" chants from the boisterous crowd.
"We can't figure it out?!" said one exasperated MSG stooge. "At first we thought it had something to do with Lorenzo Lamas, then we thought maybe it was a circus thing, but now we are back to square one. We're actually in the process of bringing some llamas into town for the next home game...we'll see."
When one rogue reporter from the hippy-liberal rag, the New York Times, suggested an Oliver Stone-esque theory that the crowd was actually requesting Isiah Thomas be fired, he was immediately carried off Garden property and given a "yokozuna" by James Dolan.
Just four wins away from passing Dean Smith on the all-time list, Coach Knight said that when he does break the record he plans to celebrate with his players by having the water coolers filled with Gatorade instead of urine for the remainder of the season.
Knight also added that he plans on choking "three, four players - max" for the rest of the year to show his appreciation to the kids that helped him get the record.
A young Bernie Kosar and a studly Jim Kelly seen here years before 34 combined heartbreaking, kick-in-the-nuts playoff losses.
Although Bernie Kosar has no head coaching experience, what Miami officials worry most about his resume is the lack of any fighting experience or drug dealing. Kosar, who officially retired from the NFL just two weeks ago, quickly became the front-runner for the job after University officials were unable to finalize a working visa for Pablo Escobar.
On the heels of the World Cup, SportsCenter has begun showing highlights of the UEFA Champions League -- this is good news. The bad news is that the idiots on SportsCenter still feel the need to insert their opinions on the games. This would be like me walking into brain surgery and telling the brain surgeon my thoughts on the surgery. The anchors have no clue about soccer and pronounce team names and players' names wrong. Just do the highlights in silence please. For the record, Ronaldinho is not the greatest player ever, so stop saying it.
Fresh off showering J.D. Drew with a boatload of cash and signing Julio Lugo to a 4-year $36 million dollar deal, members of Red Sox management were said to be in negotiations with every single person walking through the lobby of the Walt Disney World Dolphin hotel at the winter meetings in Orlando.
In what appeared to be an attempt to instantly shed his "boy genius" tag, GM Theo Epstein was said to be just moments away from locking up a confused but intrigued Din0 Radja, on vacation with his family, to a 4-year $44 million dollar deal to back up catcher Jason Varitek until he was notified by one of Boston's faithful that Radja no longer participates in athletics.
Nothing changes an average game like Betting Online. When you have a stake in the outcome of a contest, a typical match can become a memorable event. One might say that it's even more fun than a sports hernia...
and you could come away with some extra cash! The only better feeling than winning is having extra pocket money.