The Sports Hernia Blog

Sports Hernia Exclusive: Feds list of MLB steroid users unveiled...

The Sports Hernia mole has uncovered the FBI's list of MLB steroid abusers and there are more than a few surprises:

• Barry Bonds
• Sammy Sosa
• Miguel Tejada
• The Clemens family
• Jason Tyner
• Every player with over 40 hr's
• Jeff Bagwell's goat-tee
• Jim Leyland
• Anna Benson
• Steve Bartman
• Entire Oakland A's organization
• Paul "Mr. Wonderful" Orndorff
• Pedro Cerrano
• Randy Johnson (Teradactyl-roids)
• The baseball itself
• The San Diego Chicken
• Don Zimmer
• Steve Balboni
• Barry Zito's bank account
• Jose Lima's wife
• Don Mattingly's mustache
• Bob Costas
• Minute Maid Park train
• Brett Butler's glove
• Morgana the Kissing Bandit
• The "Mad Dog" Chris Russo (amphetimines)
• Felipe Alou
• Von Hayes
• Willie Mays Hayes
• Babe Ruth's monument in Monument Park
• Jeanne Zelasko
• Rich Garces aka "El Guapo"
• The Sheboygan Bratwurst sold in section 313 at Milwaukee's Miller Park
• Gene Okerland
• Jeff Gordon
• Flash Gordon
• Chewbacca

D-Backs get randy, demand another round with Big Unit

The possibilities are endless...

D-backs determined to yank Johnson

Yanks set to deal old Johnson with young Wang on the rise

D-backs salivating to get their hands on Big Unit again

Yanks ready to release Unit now that Wang is solid

The list goes on...

T.O. ironically not embarrassed for dropping almost every ball thrown to him

Terrell Owens re-emerged from his own ass Monday night just in time to question everyone but himself. In a surprising, uncharacteristic move following an embarrassing loss to the Eagles that included several dropped balls, T.O., the Cowboys unquestioned leader, quickly threw his team under an inflamed speeding hearse reportedly driven by the Undertaker's brother, Kane.

Thanks T.O., keep 'em coming.

ESPN's Marc Stein out in bizarre eyebrow tweezer mishap

ESPN NBA Guru/nephew of Disney exec/metrosexual hobbit Marc Stein has been put on the networks IR for 4-6 weeks to recover from a staph infection he contracted after borrowing Rasho Nasterovic's tweezers.

In other news Bob Ley is diligently working on Outside The Lines - Staph Infections, and as usual nobody seems to care.

Most shocking headline of the day

CBS Sportsline and Scott Miller simply pouring it on with breaking news from camp Boras:

Boras working best deal for free agent Zito

In other news, Chris Berman plans to make atleast 5 horrible jokes on this Sunday's NFL Countdown.

Jets' new "crotch-bump" celebration not catching on...

Griffey Jr. breaks wrist while shaking hands with Chris Chandler

 

Oft injured Reds outfielder Ken Griffey Jr. will have his left hand in a cast for three weeks after an ill-fated handshake with ex-NFL quarterback Chris Chandler. Reports have been surfacing that as soon as the two entered the same room, both men began limping, one of Griffey's knee caps popped off, and Chandler's shoulders immediately became dislocated. Even worse, when the two hands met, Chandler's hands and arms shattered to pieces.

Can "the Nets" be topped?

With the New Jersey Nets moving to Brooklyn, there has been much to do about what their new name will be. Although the ultra creative "Nets" might be nearly impossible to top, a few ad wizards within the league gave it their best shot:

The Brooklyn Backboards
The Brooklyn Mouthpieces
The Brooklyn Rims
The Brooklyn Forearm Wristbands
The Brooklyn Talcum Powder
The Brooklyn Finger Tape
The Brooklyn Horace Grant Goggles
The Brooklyn Headbands
The Brooklyn Knee Pads
The Brooklyn Sam Bowies
The Brooklyn High Tops
The Brooklyn Drug Dealers
The Brooklyn Jaded Hispters
The Brooklyn Calzones
The Brooklyn Sals
The Brooklyn Vinnys
The Brooklyn Backhair
The Brooklyn Brawlers
The Brooklyn Horse Manure
The Brooklyn Phoenix Gorillas

All ESPN anchors now required to do terrible Borat impression

In a not so surprising move, Hernia sources have discovered that all ESPN anchors are now required to do a shitty Borat impression, or else they will be fired.  The network's painfully annoying history of trying to sound "hip" by quoting popular movies is well-documented.  You may recall Sportscenter's 10-year policy of beating Caddyshack lines to death or Bob Ley's embarrassing Austin Power's "Yeeeaah Baby" phase on "Outside the Lines".  Look for "Borat" to be completely ruined by the time it is released on DVD.

New issue of The Sports Hernia up

Check out the Hernia's mainpage to read the full play-by-play of what transpired at the controversial ESPN Christmas Party, as well as a special column by Bill Walton who goes into great detail to explain why “you’ll never do what Biiiird did.” Also on the mainpage:

- 8 Dead, 46 Injured in latest T-shirt giveaway riot at Arco Arena

- A List of Toilet Bowls (a preview of the upcoming bowl game barrage)

Also inside the Hernia:

- Blazers sign Bin Laden

- ESPN enters Day 4 of 2,201 hour Super Bowl pregame show

- Mo Cheeks preemptively throws self under bus