Takeru Kobayashi successfully defended his eating crown on Saturday by winning his third straight Krystal hamburger-eating contest, further shattering the minute egos of a ton of fatsos in the process.
Not only did the 172-pound Kobayashi destroy the field of obese Americans, but he also set a new world record by gobbling down 97 of the small, square hamburgers in eight minutes.
The record was salt in the wounds for countless tub-o-lards around the world, particularly in the United States where you can't go a New York minute without seeing a fat sack of fat cramming his face with a Biggie-sized something or other.
"I came to terms with the fact that I can't play basketball, I can't drive in normal-sized cars, I can't shop in regular stores, I can't get girls, I can't stay on my feet for longer than 1 hour, I have to use a special toilet when I crap, I crap things the size of full-grown dogs and there is no way I can ever be in a row or paddle boat," said third-place winner Pat Bertoletti of Chicago. "But this tiny Oriental eating more than me... that's just really tough to swallow."