The Sports Hernia Blog

Strahan's egg-roll chomping rant

Giants defensive end Michael Strahan delivered a hilarious, tension filled rant on Wednesday afternoon directed at female ESPN reporter, Kelly Naqi. What you didn't see, however, is that after cameras stopped rolling the normally happy-go-lucky teddy bear proceeded to stuff Naqi between his two front teeth in a grizzly display, causing a suddenly pale NY Post reporter, Steve Serby, to collapse and faint.

Strahan then went on to practice with the beleagured reporter wedged between his teeth for almost 2 hours before paramedics arrived.

Note: We especially enjoyed watching him devour that egg-roll at the beginning of the video. Outstanding.

Sports Guy bashes Knicks, Earth continues to rotate around Sun, Louie Anderson still fat

ESPN's The Sports Guy continued to churn out ultra-fresh material today venturing into some wild unknown realms such as bashing Isiah Thomas and the Knicks.

Let us pray the editors of Page 2 have already green-lighted his 50,000 word exposé comparing Doc Rivers coaching this season to Verne Troyer's first 5 episodes on the Surreal Life.

Wallace threatens to wear Skiles as headband if rule isn't changed

Ferocious beast and part-time NBA center, Ben Wallace has taken a sudden and somewhat extreme stance against pint-sized coach Scott Skiles and his new 'no headband' rule. After eating a live cat in front of reporters Tuesday, Wallace nonchalantly announced he would wear Skiles as a 'human headband' during tonight's game against the New York Knicks if the team rule was not changed.

While initally drawing a puzzled reaction, a few veteran New York reporters in town for tonight's game confirmed that the 'human headband' is indeed possible. New York Post hack, Marc Berman rehashed an unforgettable moment at Nassau Coliseum in 1985 when he witnessed a confused Andre the Giant, reeling from a Piper's Pit skit that went emotionally sour, drape an unlucky and soon-to-be-retired referee around his head, thus forming the first 'human headband'.

Atlantic Division heating up

Wally Szerbiak (seen above with ball) takes it to the Knicks this
past Friday.

Fasten your seatbelts folks, this could be a historic journey. The 5-10 Knicks and 4-9 Raptors are only 1 game out!

So much to be thankful for...

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, the Hernia contacted various members of the sports world to find out what they’re most thankful for. Surprisingly, many of them obliged:

• A-Rod – The ability to buy purple lip-gloss anonymously online

• Lance Armstrong – One kick-ass testicle

• Marion Jones – Two kick-ass testicles

• Eli Manning – Chad Pennington

• MLB Pitchers – Alyssa Milano

• Mutombo – Industrial strength tube socks

• Bill Walton – Tie-dye shirts, tie-dye headbands, and other tie-dye accessories

• 31 NFL teams – The Arizona Cardinals

• Albert Pujols – No HGH testing
• Strippers – NBA players
• NBA players – Strippers
• Ocho Cinco – Chad Johnson
• Hubie Brown – Hair straightener
• Bill Belichick – Project Runway marathons on Bravo
• Jeff Van Gundy – Magnum condoms
• Matt Millen – Wide receivers
• Stephen Jackson – The NRA
• James Dolan – DNA, shoe-lifts
• Terry Bradshaw – Hogan’s hair stylist
• Ron Artest – WWF action figures
• Johnny Damon – Hairroids
• Ben Wallace – Backboards
• Millions of NFL Viewers – The SAP button for when Joe Buck is announcing
• Karl Malone – Glow sticks and short ties
• Jerry Rice & Emmitt Smith – Siegfried & Roy’s wardrobe leftovers
• Stephen A. Smith – Internal megaphone surgery
• Frito Lay Corporation – Jerome James
• George Michael – Sports, Machines
• Mike Francesca – Nothing
• ADD kids – ESPN’s Ultimate Highlight
• SportsCenter anchors – Carrot Top’s comedic vision
• Chris Andersen – No more random drug tests
• Gary Payton – XL Gobstoppers
• LeBron James – Chia Beard(tm)
• Pau Gasol – Not having George Steinbrenner as a GM
• Phil Mickelson – Steel-wired bras
• Tiger Woods – Mock Turtlenecks
• Mel Kiper Jr. – Diesel grade motor-oil for wigpiece
• Kobe Bryant – Full-length vanity mirror
• Defensive backs – Drew Bledsoe
• Awful puns – Chris Berman
• Fat White Chicks – NBA Players
• The NHL – New multi-hundred dollar TV contract with Canadian Telemundo

Federer routs Blake, claims another title we don't care about

Cricket ... Cricket....

Angels hire Butcher as new pitching coach

Unfortunately for all of us, the Butcher they hired was not former wrestling great and Atlanta restaurateur of the year, Abdullah the Butcher. What a tease.

It's time for the Hernia Hot Stove

Some topics floated around the GM meetings this week that were overlooked by sloppy, careless reporters:

• Royals cutting more costs; will not have first baseman in 2007
• Devil Rays rumored to be courting new Gatorade cooler if the price is right
• Sympathetic veterinarian likely to put Mark Prior's arm to sleep
• Yanks still eyeing Jesus for team Chaplin
• Red Sox baffled by Manny's demand to be traded to the Red Sox
• Scott Boras asking for rights to Omar Minaya's soul in Zito talks
• Marlins expected to hire great manager for one season
• Sheffield to be named Eminem's new chief of security
• Phillies in heated talks to acquire Brewers batboy Rusty Fallwell
• Pirates mulling playing naked
• Devil Rays said to be converting bullpen to putting green
• Mets close to signing someone who speaks English
• Cubs said to be scouting pitchers with arms
• Giants looking to fill selfish asshole void left by Bonds
• Frank Thomas excited to fill selfish asshole void for Blue Jays
• A's strictly seeking free agents with beards
• Reds in negotiations with Paste and Ryder from Nintendo's "Bases Loaded"
• Rangers owner Tom Hicks lusting to overpay for horrible free agent pitcher
• Rockies testing balls lubed with Giambis hair-gel to limit effects of Coors Field
• Zito's list of demands include bad drummer and terrible keyboardist for impromptu jam sessions

Albert Pujols' 49 HR's, 137 RBI's and .331 BA. earn him Gold Glove award...

In a related story (please scroll down)...

Keith Hernandez throws his 11 Gold Gloves into dumpster...