The Sports Hernia Blog

Tiki Barber on pace to break 2,000 ass-slap barrier

All-Pro Giants running back Tiki Barber (shown here in street clothes) is threatening to surpass the 2,000 ass-slap barrier this season and become the first player in the NFL to do so since ex-Giant, Roy Simmons.

After a week 8 in which Barber recorded an amazing 198 ass-slaps while playing against his brother Ronde and the Bucs, Barber now has registered a mind-boggling 1,036 ass-slaps for the season (Sadly, slaps given out in the locker room and on the streets to buddies and complete strangers are not counted as official ass-slaps). Regardless, the surge will only add fuel to the fire for those fantasy football owners who have been lobbying for ass-slaps to be added as an offical category for the last several years.

Tyson challenges retired Popinski

The disastrous Mike Tyson World Tour got even uglier Monday during his 83rd straight uncomfortable press conference.  After answering at least two questions without cursing or head-butting anyone, Russian reporter Nikoli Kettlesmirnoff sent the former champ into a tailspin claiming he would never do what the mocking, haughty laughing showman, Soda Popinski did for boxing. While seemingly re-enacting a scene from Rocky V, Tyson burst from behind the podium, grabbed his balls (above right), and challenged Popinski to a title fight, demanding he return to the U.S. with an answer.

At press time, Popinski's handlers expressed concern that Tyson might be unaware that the Russian beast is actually just a cartoon but continued to make flight arrangements with the potential big payday close in mind.

Eckstein forced to miss World Series MVP trophy presentation, as game finishes past his bedtime

The St. Louis Cardinals were dealt an embarassing blow shortly after their World Series victory last night, as David Eckstein was a no-show for his MVP trophy presentation. Hernia sources revealed the bushy tailed uber-nerd had actually left the stadium shortly before the 9th inning to make his bedtime and only found out about the Cards victory and his MVP award this morning after being awoken in his treasured race car bed (seen above) by a bleary eyed Joe Buck and Tim McCarver.

Inge, Caterpillar to part ways

After making a key error in game 5 of the World Series as well as having multiple pitchers throw wildly past him at third the past couple days, Brandon Inge has decided to part ways with the caterpillar crawling on his chin at season's end.

"I think I've milked this thing long enough, little Sparky (presumably the caterpillar) is pretty tapped out," said Inge during a special interview with Buck and McCarver in the 5th inning while simultaneously trying to concentrate on the pitch being delivered to Albert Pujols. "And plus, I can tell this thing is starting to creep the other guys out -- Zumaya nearly crapped his pants last night when he turned to me for the throw. I really can't blame him for slinging it wide 15 feet."

Shanahan's transformation into Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer almost complete...

It appears the suspicions of NY Ranger fans everywhere have come true, as newly acquired Brendan Shanahan teeters on the brink of a stunning metamorphasis into Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer. Sources say the hulking power-forward arrived at practice this morning 'frightened and confused' by the honking horns of modern day traffic and nearly jumped out of his BMW to 'run off to the hills or whatever'. When asked about his condition, Shanahan became distracted by a nearby reporter's tape recorder, asking if the voices coming out of it were "demons, or something".

Ranger coach Tom Renney refused to comment on the situation but appeared peturbed at Shanahan's inability to pick up the new Ranger offense in practice, as the forward repeatedly explained his 'primitive mind can't grasp these concepts."

Knicks sign wrong 'Kato' in Gigantic Garden Goof

The Isiah Thomas debacle reached epic proportions Thursday after signing the wrong 'Kato' to a 1-year guaranteed contract. Instead of acquiring Kelvin Cato, the 6'11" uninspired center with a crappy work ethic, Knicks execs and coaches were baffled to find Kato Kaelin walking onto the practice court this morning in Greenburgh, NY. They did mention, however, that his hair looked glorious.

FOX sends nation to the Ledge

Millions tuning into FOX tonight in hope of watching game 4 of the World Series were instead blindsided with an unforgivable, continuous rain delay feeding of The War at Home starring  the amazingly unwatchable Michael Rapaport.

Cowboys at wit's end: Romo to start Sunday

Shortly after Bill Parcells and Jerry Jones finished their trademark Metamucil & apple juice breakfast this morning, the Dallas Cowboys shockingly announced that Romo will be their starting QB Sunday against Carolina. 

Okla. businessman not yet aware WNBA team was part of Sonics deal

Oklahoma City businessman Clay Bennett, seen here seconds before noticing WNBA ball on the table and totally flipping out.  "This was not part of the deal SCHULTZ!!!"

Equestrian world feeling effects of Barbaro appearance at NYC swingers club "Le Trapeze"...

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